Cross Cultural Training

Yesterday Adam and I went had a meeting, organized by his company, with a lady from a company that does what is called Cross Cultural Training. It lasted 8 hours and it was just the 2 of us. Its designed to educate employees who have moved from abroad about their new culture, common dos and don'ts, guidelines for interaction with various people, etc. The lady giving the course has lived in the US and France and is very culturally conscious. I didn't know what to expect but ended up really enjoying it and learning a lot of useful tips. Some of it I like, some of it will take some getting used to. I think you will find all this pretty interesting too, and this is only a little bit of what we learned:

First she asked us what we wanted to learn about Swiss culture. We said one thing we wanted to know basic rules on how to interact with our future neighbors, is there a specific do and don't in these and other interactions? Because in the US, neighbors commonly greet the newbees with cookies or invite them over for coffee to introduce themselves, things like that. I said I wanted to know about relationships between doctors and nurses, and nurses and patients. Because what I'm used to, at least at Stanford, is while nurses, doctors, techs, and secretaries all have different roles, we all work together as a team on the same level, we all get along great and are even great friends outside of work too. 

The first response I got was, in a serious tone, "The Swiss are never friends with their co-workers. We do not understand this about Americans." She said the basic philosophy and cultural value behind this is a motto that says "If its not business, its my business" The Swiss are very private people and the line between business and personal life is very defined, whats considered "intimate" is anything that is not work related.  She said, in a business setting, you could work in the cubicle next to someone for years and not know if they have children, because that's personal life and not to be discussed at work. I smiled at this point, thinking to myself about all the extremely personal and inappropriate conversations that happen between 4 and 5 am at the nurses desk. I said that, in my years as a travel nurse and moving to cities where I knew no one, I relied on my job to provide me with friends and that it is very important to me to really get along with my co-workers since we spend so much time together. As a result, some of my very best friends today were my coworkers from travel nursing assignments. She said that, of course, in Switzerland you can like your coworkers and get along great, but you would not have any contact with them outside of work. This happens, from time to time, that a coworker develops into a great friend, on occasion she's been to a birthday/christmas party of a co-worker, but its not very common. She said I will have to find other means of making friends. 

Back to Swiss valuing their privacy and things they would consider "intimate." The Swiss home is considered intimate. Much different than American culture and might be hard for us to understand. You would never be invited into a Swiss person's home unless you are a very dear friend. And even if you were, the living room and dining room are the only areas of the house that are open to you. The kitchens in Swiss homes are separate, not open to the living room like many American homes, and it is considered an intimate area, not to be entered unless you are family. When living in the US, she was shocked and thought it absurd that when going to someones home for the first time, they would immediately take her for a tour of the whole house, even showing her the bedroom and bathroom, which in her mind should be very private.
The refrigerator is extremely personal. Opening the refrigerator of a Swiss is one of the rudest things you can do. She would only do this at her parents or siblings house. 
When invited to a Swiss home for a meal, it is more polite to NOT help the host clean the dishes, because doing so would require you going into their kitchen. It is more polite to sit and let to host clean themselves. 
When saying hello to a neighbor, wait until they have closed the door to their apartment. It is rude to say hello while their door is still open, because by saying hello with their open door, you are looking into their apartment and looking into their private life. 
She said if we ever invited a Swiss person into our home they would come out of politeness but would feel quite uncomfortable while there. They would be very touched at this gesture and would want to reciprocate but would never feel comfortable letting you into their home, so since they know of no way to equally reciprocate such a kind gesture, they will most likely just never talk to you again and avoid you.

She compared Swiss people to coconuts. Hard and not so pretty on the outside. really difficult to penetrate. But once you have it gets softer, and once you are all the way in its completely open. And you have complete trust and permission into the Swiss's personal life.

They are extremely punctual and schedule/time oriented. If a business meeting is to start at 9 am, it will start at 9 am, sharp. If you want to have the usual chitchat about the weather and your weekend beforehand, you must come 5-10 minutes early to do this. If it is supposed to end at 10 am it will end at 10 am. If it threatens to go past the scheduled end time, it must be mutually agreed on by everyone that its okay if the meeting will last 30 extra minutes, if not, they will schedule a time when it is convenient for everyone to finish the meeting. Being schedule oriented, they know that when a meeting goes over by 30 minutes, people might be inconvenienced because they will have other things on their schedule to do. Also, getting to a meeting or interview too early is also bad form. 5-10 minutes is okay, but any more and you will be seen as not knowing how to manage your time correctly, and if you can't manage your time correctly than how can you manage anything else? It could have huge implications on whether you get the job or not, even if the interview goes well otherwise. (I got to my interview 15 minutes early a few weeks ago... oops)

the Swiss also consider slowness as a virtue. Politics are slow, administration is slow, they believe if something is done slowly then it is sure to be done correctly. Quick means hasty and a possibility of mistakes. This comes into play with friendships, which is why, when meeting a new neighbor for instance, start with Bonjour and no more. they don't know you so will be very slow to want to get to know you.

After this information I now understand what was meant by the various French people who, after learning I was moving to Switzerland, would say "hmmm, the Swiss, well, they're not the French" 
In France it is very different. When it comes to friendships and privacy, it is much more like American culture. One of Adam's best friends is his French co-worker, who has invited us into his home many times, lets us cook in his kitchen, I've slept in his son's bed. The french are very warm and welcoming and we felt comfortable with all of them.

The other thing she discussed with us was the roller coaster of emotional stages related to moving to a different country. Adam has been through them all before, having already spent 3 years in France, and I felt them too in France, maybe more mildly though. She said at some point you will reach a stage of culture shock that can be very bad for some people, in a few cases it can lead to depression. This usually hits around the 3-6 month point. A realization that some of your very important cultural values do not align with the values of your new country and you must figure out how to cope with that. That we may wonder what we're doing here, what's the point, we just want to go home. She also said that throughout this entire roller coaster of emotions we will have little support from those at home, because nobody will get it. And we will really need each other. This is true, there have been a few times I've complained about things to someone and the response I get is "how can you complain, your living in France/Switzerland!" 

She mentioned that psychologists have identified the top 3 most stressful things a person can go through, and I remember this from nursing school too: 1. death of a loved one. 2. Separation/divorce. 3. moving. but they only studied people moving from one city to another within the same country. So moving from one country to another has got to come before 3!

People think living abroad is all sunshine and rainbows, and while there are a lot of cool things about it, (and the opportunity is such a cool and rare one that we are voluntarily going through the rough stuff) it is very, very difficult. When you have few or no friends, when the language is different, when the culture is not what you're used to, when the process of finding a job and just getting settled with anything is 10x harder because you're foreign and more documentation is required for everything, documentation that's not always easy to obtain, it wears you down. Its hard to stay motivated and positive. Forget the view of Lake Geneva and the Alps down the street, you want some normalcy every so often, normalcy that's not easy to find. My normalcy is with Adam (and an occasional trip to Starbucks). You want to see your friends and family but nobody can afford to fly to Europe or take time off work and you can't afford to keep going back to the US. People say they will visit you and you start looking forward to it, get really excited about it, and then life gets in the way and they can't come anymore. Scheduling phone dates with friends every few weeks instead of calling them whenever you feel like it. 

Apart from that, I actually love living in Europe, for the most part, I actually prefer the culture and lifestyle here much more than US culture and lifestyle. And, honestly, we're glad to be away from the US these days. According to the "cultural profile" I filled out yesterday the lady told me I am not American at all, I align much more with an Italian's profile actually, and that I might have a very difficult time re-assimilating back into American culture. I'm not sure if I believe this, but we'll see, I could see it being true to a degree, though. But we will come back some day, sooner than later. I don't want to be so far from my family, especially when little half-asian babies come along. I would feel guilty if I never came back. Plus, if I can't have the same job role and work life that I'm used to in the US, then I don't want to stay, because I LOVE my job. But the plan is to give it 2 years, for better or for worse, no matter what happens, to get the full experience and see how everything pans out. It may be difficult and there are days when I want to pull my hair out and scream when I find out about another obscure document I have to track down, but I can't give up just yet, I've barely started.

I'll end this with one thing this cultural training lady said to us, who has been doing this training for 15 years. She said that when the international move happens to a couple, all the stressful things that happen to the people individually and to them as a couple will really test their relationship, and if that couple comes out of it still strong, well that couple is meant to be for life. And I have no doubt that Adam and I will crush this Swiss experience together because there's nobody more meant for each other than we are.